Another angle: Worldview, with Steven Wright, from the second mouse

If you haven’t met Canadian comic & philosopher Steven Wright, it’s about time you did. To make it easy, here’s a primer on the way he sees things, in his words:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.ber it really is? I’m like that all the time.

— Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
— Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.
— Steven Wright

The sky already fell. Now what? — Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
— Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t
see any forests. — Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
— Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. — Steven Wright

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re
Shakespeare? — Steven Wright

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re
reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m
like that all the time. — Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere. — Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually… — Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
— Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
— Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?
I’m like that all the time.