There was this woman, playing real good, at SeaTac last month. There were way more people than this…… Photo by Ian Byington
You’ll remember a few months ago, I shared with you the story of the shirtless dancer, the lone nut, who gains a first follower, who turns them into a leader (here’s the posting, with Derek Sivers.)
It’s true…every leader needs a first follower. Without him or her, the movement gets stuck, immobile, paralyzed.
I got a chance to put this in action. Here’s what happened:
I was hanging around the food court last month at SeaTac airport, waiting for a couple of hours on my way to see my parents in Tennessee in the States. There was a young woman who was singing in the food court, with perhaps a hundred people listening. She was quite good, and her voice & guitar playing were awesome, filling that great space…glad she was there!
But at the end of the first two songs I heard, no one clapped. After all, this wasn’t a tav or a bar or a stage show…what do you do? No one clapped.
So I did. After her third song, I clapped (I was in the “back”), and then someone else did, then three people, then most of the whole place. It was awesome.
We kept that up till her set was done. She was beaming. And we were, too.
All because one guy clapped.
I hope you get the chance to be a first follower this week. You’ll like how it feels.
That’s why it takes a moment to gather the pen & paper, to open the blank but expectant email page, to take the moment.
We try to get it write & get it right & get it, right?
You’ve had the words rolling ’round in your head, driven by your heart, and you know the drill: If you write ’em down, people will know what you’re thinking.
And feeling. And smiling about. And hurting about. And wondering about. And hoping about.
You thought you’d say you’re sorry.
You thought you’d kiss a friend goodbye in a note, which is always better than leaving quietly with no words, no hug, no kiss.
You thought you’d ask one last question of grandmother.
Maybe it’s time to let that love poem explode onto the page, the way love & poems do. (This is the way writing & lovemaking are most similar.)
Maybe it’s time to ask for another chance.
Maybe it’s time to sigh, take that deep breath, and put the words out there, and at the end of the day, in there.
Waiting is over. It’s time to write for fifteen minutes without stopping, whatever comes, and when done – declare that you’ve started writing the book. And put it in your appointment book for tomorrow when you write again, just like all your other important meetings – and say, “I started my book.”
You already know The Ten Most Important Things begins with “Share & heal.” This writing stuff counts – there’s no truer way to share the inside part of you. And there’s no other part of you that heals more. Heals you. Heals the folks who listen. And begins the healing for those who hear, and wonder.
There’s something waiting, and it’s been long enough, don’t you think?
Let me know how it goes. I care, and I love good writing, like yours.
Tent caterpillar on San Juan Island three springs ago….
One of my favourite writers is intuitive Rachelle Hill, who posts on her blog regular thoughts that one way or another, stick with me. This posting seems just right, for the spring:
Chrysalis
A caterpillar doesn’t necessarily know she is walking into a time of stagnation and darkness, but it is a process that enables her growth. We can relate to this time in our lives when our life has roadblocks, or dead ends and when we are out of gas. It can mean a time of waiting, a time of winter or hibernation as beautiful as the seasons change, we adapt and flow with the fluctuations.
When it’s time to enter the cocoon, we rest.
The sensing of the right time is when the caterpillar emerges from the cocoon. I love the word emerge, as in emergence, a coming out of…how beautiful to come out of the darkness, the stillness, the empty tank, refueled, lit up and alive.
It is this time, or season, that we break through the old patterns, the tired, limiting beliefs and spread our wings. Travel to new worlds, new ideas, new roads. Explore, expand, emerge.
Honour the stages and when it is time of the chrysalis, you will know.
Need at least 12. Says so, right here, in your heart.
As regular readers of the World According to Brother Ian, you know that I believe that the number to aim for (if you ARE aiming) is 12…how can you get the day taken care of, when you are hug-deficient?
Sure, monks live simply & fast at times & do without, but to go without your daily hug quotient means you you’re leaving out part of the equation: “Love thy neighbour as thyself.”
Seriously now, pup – you gotta love thyself. Open it up.
Handshakes are good, (kind of a little hug) but hugs are better.
And don’t just think about it. I remember famous Western philosopher Bob Hope saying people who blow kisses are hopelessly lazy. Applies here.
Here is Marcus’ take on the hug deal, from MindBodyGreen:
In the same spirit, this little bit from Erin Brockovich has always dug deep with me. If the people that poison our well would also drink that water, things would change. Until that change, it’s easy – they’re killing our brothers & sisters. Here’s Erin – drink it in:
Once a group of 500 people were attending a seminar. Suddenly the speaker stopped and decided to do a group activity. He started giving each person a balloon. Each person was then asked to write their name on it using a marker pen.
Then all the balloons were collected and put in another room.
The people were then let into that room and asked to find the balloon which had their name written on it within 5 minutes. Everyone was frantically searching for their name, colliding with each other, pushing around others and there was utter chaos.
At the end of 5 minutes no one could find their own balloon.
Then, the speaker asked each person to randomly collect a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it.
Within minutes everyone had their own balloon.
The speaker then began, “This is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is.
Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people. Give them their happiness; you will get your own happiness. And this is the purpose of human life…the pursuit of happiness.”
Carolyn Baker writes (in these remarks of hers, shared by Andrew Harvey):
The innumerable losses of industrial civilization’s collapse will, over time, bring forth a new story and a new relationship with people, resources, things, and the earth. It will necessitate living as if our very breath is a gift and every person in our lives is an opportunity to pass on the gifts we have received.
One of the more difficult things to do is to surround oneself with positive folk…and that often involves the positive & light-filled move of sticking up for ourselves. I like the way Hay House author & angel therapy expert Doreen Virtuespeaks to this…
When someone says or does something that stirs a reaction in you, it’s very important to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Perhaps you notice that your stomach muscles tighten; you perspire; or you become flush with anger, rage, or even embarrassment at the situation.
If at all possible, walk away from the situation, even if you have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom. This moment away helps calm down your physiological reactions. Otherwise, you may act impulsively and say things that you later regret.
While you’re alone, have an honest conversation with yourself. Begin by noticing how you feel physically. Is your heart racing, is your breathing shallow, or are your thoughts explosive? Any of these reactions can show that the other person has triggered anxiety within you.
This anxiety response is also called fight or flight. It’s an instinctual response to danger. When there’s danger, your instincts spur you into either fighting or running away (that is, flight).
While you’re by yourself and meditating, it’s a good idea to pray for guidance, support, and peace. You want to be honest with yourself and with others, but you don’t want to blow situations out of proportion. Nor do you want to engender hard feelings.
Whenever we avoid conflict by keeping our feelings to ourselves, we do ourselves and others a disservice. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. We’re trying to control the other person’s reactions by controlling what we tell them.
So when someone asks you if you’re upset and you say that you aren’t when you really are, you’re being controlling. You’re trying to keep them from being angry with you or from starting an argument with you. Or, you’re holding your feelings inside to prevent the other person from seeing that you are hurt.
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to go to the other extreme and bulldoze the other person with the blunt truth.
There’s an in-between way to handle conflict that’s just right and very healthy and honest. After you’ve collected your thoughts and feelings, go to the person and say this magical phrase: “I’d like to clear some things with you.”
This nonthreatening phrase keeps communication open because the other person doesn’t feel accused. Start by taking a deep breath and silently praying for strength and a clear mind. Even though your heart may be racing and you might even be perspiring, know that anytime you do something for the first time, you’ll feel intimidated or afraid. Each time you practice a new behavior, it becomes more natural and easier.
Look the other person in the eye and say to him or her from your heart and without apology: “I really care about our relationship, so I need to share my feelings in order for us to clear them.”
Now, the other person may feel threatened by this and might immediately become defensive or even argumentative. Don’t let this throw you, unless the other person becomes verbally or physically abusive. (Don’t try to negotiate with an abusive person, especially if he or she is intoxicated. If abuse occurs, leave immediately and seek appropriate support or protection.)
In most situations, others will be open to hearing you. During your discussion, it’s vital that you own your feelings. This means: don’t use blaming or shaming words. Even if you do blame them, saying that you do will shut down all further communication.
Use phrases such as I feel, I felt, and to me. This way, you’re not poking and prodding at the other person and inadvertently provoking their defensiveness.
Do your best to keep your cool while talking about and owning your feelings. If you start to cry, let yourself be real. The same with anger: allow yourself to be authentic, but don’t act on this emotion, such as by yelling or calling names. Also, please don’t put yourself down in any way.
Don’t diminish, disparage, or apologize for your feelings…ever! Remember: You have a right to your feelings, even if other people don’t understand or agree with them! Your feelings are your signals of deep truths inside of you. They’re the language of your soul, and they need you to listen to them.
After you’ve talked about your feelings, allow the other person to explain his or her own. There are always two sides to every story. However, notice your gut feelings while you’re listening. If you get an uneasy feeling that the other person is covering his or her tracks or being dishonest with you, then note that—because he or she probably is.
As your assertiveness level grows stronger, you’ll have the courage to say to a person who’s lying to you, “I don’t believe what you’re saying,” or something equivalent. But for now, just notice that you get the feeling that he or she is being dishonest, manipulative, or defensive.
This isn’t the kind of person you want to spend much time with. Those are toxic behavior patterns that permeate all of that individual’s relationships.
If the other person starts blaming you or is defensive, the conversation will go in an unhealthful direction. Blaming is a key symptom of the ego’s fears about being exposed. As long as one or both of you are involved in blaming, nothing will get resolved.
Doreen’s new book
Toxic relationships will pull you down every time. You don’t need to have a toxic relationship when there are so many nontoxic potential friends and partners available. Never believe you have to settle for an unhealthy relationship. You don’t.
Doreen’s 4-Lesson Live Online Course, Assertiveness for Earth Angels starts this week on March 5th. Each person who enrolls will receive a FREE copy of Doreen’s new book and a frameable Certificate of Completion. Register Now »
Keep your head up, duck. If you have ears to hear, listen.
The drug store on the corner just changed owners & its name.
I was glad to see they kept most of the workers from before the change.
Really needed some shampoo. Went & asked the woman who was stocking the shelves (who I believe has the biggest smile in the place )where it was, now.
“Oh, we moved it!” And she walked me over to the dish detergent.
“Oh, it must be over here.” Looked at another place, not there.
We walked kind of all over, and then she asked someone else. “Over there,” he pointed, and so it was.
“You must be sorry you asked me,” she laughed.
“No…you make it more fun to look for stuff. Glad I asked you.” And we both left it there.
That’s the way it is, sometimes, hey – it’s really not that important that we hang out with people who know it all. It makes for a better trip (I think) if they care as much as we do about looking for the goal (or whatever we’re striving for), but isn’t it great to have someone along who makes you wish the trip was longer?
We’re all gonna get there, eventually. Even better if we get there together, still smiling.
Love you, and glad we’re on this trip – Brother Ian
The great fun of traveling is to see things differently, ’round the edges of our path, and sometimes to bring those differences into our own lives. Those changes may be welcomed by our companions, or questioned, or downright rejected. This leads to a new set of challenges, which offer a chance to see it all, even more clearly, but not necessarily without pain or even grief. Here’s more from one of my favourite teachers, Ram Dass (here’s the original posting):
Your understanding of what the universe is all about changes as you proceed further along the path towards enlightenment. As your vantage point or perspective changes, you begin to understand more and more of “how it is.” With this greater understanding comes greater compassion… an acceptance of “how it is”… an ability to see the divine plan in everything, even in your failings and failings of others.
In the course of your journey it is most likely that your day-to-day companions or friends may change. Some may fall away as your interest in the Spirit pulls you from the worldly interest which brought or kept you together, but new friends who share your current interests will appear.
Of course, some of your existing relationships will move easily into this new domain and the relationship will become deeper and calmer… coming to exist in the eternal present.
This transition as traveling companions is a delicate and troubling matter. To find that someone whom you assumed shared all your values and interests over many years has no interest whatsoever in enlightenment or in becoming more conscious or coming into the Spirit is a shock. You want to share this “trip” with them in the same way as you shared others in the past.
That desire to proselytize, to turn him on, to show him, to bring him to the light… is a reflection of your lack of wisdom. For only some people can hear. Only some can awaken in this lifetime. It’s a little like seeing a friend drowning and being unable to catch his hand. You want so badly to do something. But in truth you can only BE… be as straight and as open and as HERE as you can be… and if your friend can hear, he will hear.
And if he cannot hear, he will turn away from you. No blame.
What is important is that you get your house in order at each stage of the journey so that you can proceed. “If some day it be given to you to pass into the inner temple, you must leave no enemies behind.” – de Lubicz
This getting straight not only applies to people but to things as well, such as favorite music, disliked foods, special treats, avoided places, all your toys, etc. Everything must be rerun through your compassion machine. You must revisit, at least in meditation, all your old attachments and re-see them in the light of the Spirit.
As you do, they fall away…unless, of course, the attachment to them is so strong that you are not able yet to re-see them with pure compassion. To stumble in that way on the path merely indicates the work yet to be done. Thus it gives direction to your sadhana, which is to work on those desires that cause you to stumble, by bringing them into the light of mantra or the witness until they fall away on their own.
That’s St. Benedict, delivering his Rule to his order…the Ten Most Important Things come from that tradition, but with the hope of opening the cloistered mind & heart to a light-filled way of both looking at things & experiencing this physical lifetime.
About three months ago, drawing on wisdom passed down to me through a bunch of lifetimes & teachers & events, I posted “The Ten Most Important Things.” The list itself came to me in a vision, and is recorded here in the order & words as they were presented to me, for you.
Have you looked at them? People who have reviewed them tell me there are some that resonate with their faith expression, some that match up with their sense of hope, and some that they have shared with other folks, in other places.
They are posted at the top of this page (Ten Things to Teach & Know), or you can click here to see what they are.
Let me know what you think, my dear traveling companion. I will watch for what you share, in the comments below.
Flying Monk: Young monks begin their service very early in life in their studies in the monastery. This monk was young and energetic and decided to “fly” in his exuberance for life. Bonnie Stewart /National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest (here’s more)
As luck would have it (and all monks know they are lucky – why else would we win so often, with each roll of the dice?), I grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, in the Southeastern United States in the time of Dr. King. Those marches & changes & speeches & rallies & protests all happened in my hometown.
The changes they brought ’round have been a key part of why I believe anything is possible, anything good can prevail.
Did then. Does now.
I’ve always loved it that the word “agape” (uh • GAH• pay) is spelled the same as the way we look when we see something amazing, and we stand with our mouths agape (uh • GAPE). It’s an accidental overlap that semantics can, at times, provide, because I believe when that kind of love is rolling over & around you, and through you, it can leave you openmouthed with amazement.
Here’s how Dr. King ties all that together:
Agape Love By Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
The Greek language uses three words for love.
It talks about eros. Eros is a sort of aesthetic love. It has come to us to be a sort of romantic love and it stands with all of its beauty. But when we speak of loving those who oppose us we’re not talking about eros.
The Greek language talks about philia and this is a sort of reciprocal love between personal friends. This is a vital, valuable love. But when we talk of loving those who oppose you and those who seek to defeat you we are not talking about eros or philia.
The Greek language comes out with another word and it is agape. Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive good will for all men.
Biblical theologians would say it is the love of God working in the minds of men. It is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. And when you come to love on this level you begin to love men not because they are likeable, not because they do things that attract us, but because God loves them and here we love the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does.
It is the type of love that stands at the centre of the movement that we are trying to carry on in the Southland—agape.
Over the past month or so, one of the stories that keeps playing in my head is this:
The “news” keeps us from knowing what’s going on.
You know it’s true: We have friends to feed in parts of the world, and in parts of the towns we live in (wherever we live!) who need to eat & don’t have enough, but we’ll do that after the Olympics is over. Maybe.
We have people around us who need a hug. Who need a raincoat. Who need counseling to sort out those angry flashes in their head.
People who need a voice.
When you look them in the eye, you know it’s time to share. You can feel it. When you look at the television, you can feel that, too, but its job is to quiet your anger & shift where you focus, away.
In hockey games & in American football, there is a planned timeout halfway through the period that is simply a tv timeout, so they can run ads. Nobody’s tired & the coaches don’t NEED the timeout, and sometimes it even messes up your team’s momentum.
Maybe we can reverse that. Take a timeout from the television & its pretend news, and take a look around at the real news. With people we can actually touch & feel & hear & see, in living colour.
I wasn’t really expecting painful things to happen to me.
I knew that pain was a part of life, but — thanks in part to a peculiar blend of “God-has-a-plan” Southern roots, a suburban “Midwestern nice” upbringing, and a higher education in New England stoicism — I managed to skate by for quite some time without having to experience it.
After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now.
Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. And many of these realities I wish I’d known when I first encountered them. So, while the work of life and healing continues, here are ten things I’ve learned about trauma along the way:
1. Trauma permanently changes us.
This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.
This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.
Want to start a movement? A key piece – the first follower. Derek Sivers explains:
Thought for the day…
"Everything you read on the Internet is true." -- Abraham Lincoln
About Brother Ian
Over the centuries, Brother Ian has been collecting stories & information & discourses for the purpose of elevating the human condition as needed, dissecting it when necessary, and building the case for hope.
In the spirit of noting that organized crime, organized baseball, organized labour, and organized religion tend to engender controversy & occasional discord, I promise to be neither organized or critical of those who are.
Over the centuries, Brother Ian has been collecting stories & information & discourses for the purpose of elevating the human condition as needed, dissecting it when necessary, and building the case for hope.